This is the story of a man

I cannot believe it, but I am so freaking motivated to work out lately. I moved my family's bike machine into my area of the basement and began the "Play RPGs while biking" work out plan! I biked for 13 miles all while playing Dragon Age. It was fantastic. I want to work out more too. It's all that's been on my mind today. After I am done with Dragon Age I'll start working on Final Fantasy 9 again. But I figure this might keep me going. It's great to feel like I'm being productive.

I've been in a pretty big slump lately. With all the lack of money and hours at work and everything, my sanity has started to slip and depression really took me over for a while. I had a really bad night on thursday, but something a little unexpected helped me through it.
Friday night was greatly needed for me. It's started to become a routine to see Swarley and Eric on fridays and it's really nice. Those two are guys I know I can always count on to bring me up even when I am in the darkest of places. It's nice to be able to talk about my issues to other guys who wont just pity me and make me feel like I am pathetic or they are looking down on me. And they don't sit there and tell me I should get help. They just talk to me about shit and make me laugh and stuff. It's weird to be talking about 2 guys like this, but I guess I just sometimes don't think about the people who care about me often enough. At least not guys. Guys know their other guy friends care about them, but rarely do any of them say it to each other. With them, I feel it more than I have with many of the guy friends I have had. It's nice. I am so thankful for them. I don't know what I would do without them. Just something I've been thinking about.

With everything going on in my head it has been really hard for me to be social or function much in general. I'm not eating much these days. One meal a day if that sometimes. I've had insomnia several nights in a row followed by spending the entire day in bed because fuck getting up at a normal time when I've been up til 8 am.
It really sucks, but I think things are starting to get back to normal. I need a job really bad and I know more than anything I need to get back out to auditions. My one the other night fell through, but I realize if I want to be happy, I need to do something productive that makes me happy. Video games every night just numb me and make me dead. I need something engaging and challenging and fun that involves me being active. I honestly was terrified of going and auditioning earlier in the week, but it clearly was not meant to be anyways. I've now worked up the courage to audition for Urinetown at Normandale when it comes time for that since it's open community auditions. I'm willing to fail at singing for a chance to be in something big and cool like that.
I'm trying to get myself back to not hating being around most people. It's not anyone's fault or anything and I assure everyone that I don't hate them or don't enjoy seeing them. I'm just finding myself very up and down. So please just bare with me and don't be insulted by my absence.

The motivation to exercise is has really lifted my spirits the last 2 days and seeing that I lost weight unhealthily makes me want to lose more the right way. I think I'm on the right track to mental health again, but I know there are gonna be plenty more days like thursday in my life. I just hope they don't come too soon. I'm gonna try to keep my head held high and tell myself I'll make it and that I can be successful in life and keep biding my time and keeping my eyes out for opportunities. Hopefully they will come a knockin' some time soon. Until then I will count on my amazing girlfriend and fantastic friends to keep me on the right track. Knowing that I have so many more out there and reminding myself of it really does help too. I am thankful for everyone these days. I know I'm not perfect and my flaws are becoming more and more apparent to me and it makes me want to fix them more. I just hope I don't give up anymore.
Just gotta take it slow. Progress slowly. Like a drill. (You know the rest)

Here's to you, the good life and me
Here's to handshakes and losers, medicine and gasoline
Here's to you the good life to be
The dial tones, the misery and me
(Medicin and Gasoline by Lucky Boys Confusion)

Ladies and gentlemen prepare yourselves. Kyle has motivation for acting again. I will be auditioning for "Dracula" tonight out in Apple Valley. I will let you know if you have tickets to purchase once I find out.

Time to spend the rest of the afternoon until I go to it doing diction exercises and reading outloud!

What do you do when you would give anything for the next day of your life to not come? What do you do when you feel like each day is just another step along the way to your eventual self destruction and the end of your sanity?

fuck it. I've even lost the will to be upset and emo to livejournal.
Just fuck it all.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1572168/The-new-face-of-Britain-Flag-poll-results.html

So, on my way to rehearsal today I passed an Audi on the highway. A newer model of it. Thought nothing of it.
A few minutes later, I saw another Audi of an earlier model. I chuckled to myself.
But then, I saw another Audi of an even earlier model.
But get this, they were all the same color too!
I swear I went back in time.

http://www.halolz.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/halolz-dot-com-goldeneye-n64-youcanneverunseeit.gif

...He never dies!

So, tonight was the first rehearsal for "Brighton Beach Memoirs" and so far, I have to say, the cast we have is shaping out to be absolutely awesome. We have had so much fun and we have only met twice. It's such a fun show and we are already having a blast with just reading through the script. I am very excited to continue.

Also, being the lead is really starting to hit me. I just found out there is a balcony type podium thing that I will be standing on a lot with a spotlight on me when delivering my monologues and whatnot. Aaaaaah, I am scared. I had a spotlight on me to deliver the opening and closing parts of "The Diviners" but it was hardly the same, since I was not a lead for that. PRESSURE! PUSHIN' DOWN ON ME!

Tomorrow is day 2 and I can hardly wait. :)

Anyone still need ticketing info that hasn't gotten it? Order those tickets soon or you may miss the chance to see my awesomeness. I hope to see some people opening night and get lots of flowers and well wishings. :D

That's all for today!
-Kyle; Piercing the heavens one day at a time.

P.S. I love my girlfriend because she rocks my world. :)

I apologize for being depressing and lame earlier. I lost my head for a bit there.

I went to my audition with a fairly bad mindset, but quickly regained my sense of superiority to other human beings and remembered that I am the most awesome. Thus, resulting in a fun audition experience, if not sort of annoying and baffling.

In case you were wondering, I auditioned for a play called "A Klingon Christmas Carol". Basically, it's the basic story of the normal "A Christmas Carol", but with Klingons. Names like "scrooge" are replaced with "Squga" and "Cratchet" with "Qachet".
Also, the entire play is done in the Klingon language, so learning that is part of it.

Basically, they taught us a few Klingon phrases that we had to say for a camera (the whole audition was recorded because the director could not be there) and also a few scenes that we read in english, but had to act as a Klingon would. So, it was interesting. Here is what I have learned:
1.Speaking Klingon makes your mouth dry
2.Speaking Klingon is hard
3.Speaking Klingon is just kind of annoying and I do not understand how some people do it and have fun doing it. They are clearly wrong about it.

So yea, if I get a part it's going to be a lot of work, and probably kind of annoying, but it will definitely show off acting talent. Which is what I want to do right now in my career. A lead role followed by a play entirely in a fictional language would be pretty impressive I would say.
I don't think I did all that well at it though, so whatever. I do not care one way or another if I get the role, but it was definitely an experience.

After that I got together with Mr. Ryan "Teriyaki" Terrien. We coincidentally went and saw Star Trek, which I had not seen. I loved it. It was awesome.
Spending time with Ryan was awesome. I am going to be very sad when the summer is over and he goes to Pennsylvania. :(

I am feeling much better. Thank you to those concerned for my mental being, especially my wonderful girlfriend, as usual. :)

P.S. I need more D&D, because Mike's campaign is getting awesome. We have just hit level 2 and started the second storyline of it in which we were assigned new characters that Mike designed and made himself which will share exp. with our main party. I am playing a Wizard for that storyline and a Warlord as my main. So I am getting to try out many different things. It's awesome.

Happiness is limited, but misery has no end.

The Lakeshore Players proudly present Neil Simon's "Brighton Beach Memoirs". Starring Kyle Decknadel in the role of Eugene. :)

Ticket info to come sometime in the future.

I just got another call from Brian, the director of the "Bright Beach Memoirs". Said he was able to get ahold and talk to Sean Byrd. Said he had good things to say about me and it was what he needed to hear. Talked a bit about how I look young and it'll be hard to get a lot of older roles with how I look right now, and I concurred. Then he asked me if I understood what a big commitment it was to be in the show and how much work was going to be needed and I of course told him yes I knew and was excited for something that big.

However, he did not tell me I got the role. He said Sean's words worked well in my favor and he told Brian about KCACTF and all that and it was good. Said I would be hearing about it within the next couple hours.

GODDAMNIT CAN HE MAKE ME ANY MORE ANXIOUS!?

Also, got to sleep at about 7 am. So my insomnia is continuing. Hopefully I can reset my body clock tonight by getting hammered with Justin and passing out at a more reasonable time.

*goes back to stare at phone again*

So, I made callbacks for "Brighton Beach Memoirs" tonight. It went really well. The director and his assistant laughed quite heartily at me, which is good. Afterwards, I got a call from the director because I didn't have much on my sheet that I filled out there due to the fact that my printer didn't work when printing out my acting resume on Monday. Anyways, he asked me questions about how I got into acting and even knew the old woman I had an acting class with at MCTC as "...that scary woman". Also, turns out he knows Sean Byrd who is a theatre teacher at Normandale and also was the director of "The Diviners" when I was in it in the fall. So he said he was going to call him up and ask about me a bit. Which SHOULD be good for me. He was also really impressed when I told him how Kate and I made semi-finals at KCACTF (that acting scholarship thing I competed in).
Here's the best part. He said that I had a very strong audition and that I was being very strongly considered. Also, when I thanked him for the opportunity to try out, he said that it was a lot of fun to watch me. So that is very very encouraging.

If anything I walk away with more experience under my belt for the next few auditions I have lined up.

...but seriously, I would reeeaaally love that part. Even if it means playing a 14-year-old. >.>

Now I get to stare at my phone until I hear from them. *stares at phone*
...
...
...
Oh sorry, forgot to end my entry.

I will update with ticket info and times, etc. if I get cast.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's to you, the good life and me
Here's to handshakes and losers, medicine and gasoline
Here's to you the good life to be
The dial tones, the misery and me

-Luck Boys Confusion; Medicine and Gasoline

So, it's 6:30 in the morning now when I am starting to write this. I have been trying to fall asleep for about an hour now with no luck. My brain just wont shut off.

It's been a weird couple of days I guess. Went to an audition for Neil Simon's "Brighton Beach Memoirs" on Monday night. That went surprisingly well and I will be anxiously waiting all day to hear if I make callbacks tomorrow. Have a few more auditions lined up, even for some paying gigs, which would be really nice to score right now. One in particular that could be a blast is "A Klingon Christmas Carol". That audition is next monday night. I am very excited for that. This auditioning stuff has really kinda gotten me excited again.

I dunno what to say. Life has been weird. It really has a weird way of kicking me down again and again and again...but then, just when I am about to give up hope and am in a huge slump, it sends me just a little bit of good which sparks in my brain like a wildfire and gives me a ton of joy.
That happened yesterday (tuesday) night into just a few hours ago.
Jenny is a huge part of my life, as I am sure everyone reading this already knows. I care about her far more than I can explain. I am not the best boyfriend, and I know that, but we have something really special. She brings me hope when I feel completely crushed by life.
I don't care what my family or anyone else thinks about our relationship. I will never care what they think about someone they don't know. I just know I love her. Without a doubt in my mind.
(I'm not just ranting and raving about how much I love my girlfriend, I swear I have a point to this.)
Basically, I had an amazing day with her that made me start thinking about a lot of things and really helped me out.
Since I got done talking to her at about 5 am or so, I have not been able to shut my brain off. Just thinking about all kinds of things. Thinking about the excitement I've been having thinking about the auditions I have coming up.

One weird story I thought of was the story my mom has told me before about my sister when she was little. She used to run down the driveway and fall flat on her face. When people saw her and came to help her, she would cry. However, whenever she fell she used to look around. If she didn't see anyone around, and thought no one was watching her, she would get to her feet, brush herself off, and do it all over again.
I always loved that story.

For some reason or another I was thinking about what I would do if I won the lottery. All the money I could give to my friends and especially my family to pay everyone back for all they have done for me. Be able to make my parents life easy from now on after all the hard things that I have brought on them with my failures in school and my poor money management and all the money they have wasted on me. I could donate money to cancer research and environmental protection and research. There are so many people in this world that I wish I could help if only I had the money to do so.
Sure, I would love to use lots of money on myself and have a nice big plasma HDTV and move out of my parents house and stuff. But for once that wasn't the first thing I thought of when I thought of being rich. I thought about what I want to do for other people, not myself. Which is kind of big for me.

So, I want to be famous. I want to be an actor and be good at it. I have a new goal. It's not to get rich and famous via acting just so I can be rich and famous and live a life of luxury. Yes, I will not deny myself plenty of luxuries, but I would prefer to live modestly. Nobody waiting on me. A good size house, but not huge. Humble on the outside, but pretty bitchin' on the inside. I will not be on MTV Cribs even if they pay me to be on it.

Another really weird thing I have been thinking about is my views on religion. I have for the most part been a pretty outright blasphemous atheist for several years now. I have majorly toned it down the past year or so for the most part, because it pissed Jenny off and mostly I realized I was being a huge douchebag. But doing it around Bryan will always be funny because he is too catholic for me. I dunno though. I might catch a service some Sunday and see what happens. Maybe I have been too close minded about everything. I'm not saying I am going to go all crazy religious and start telling everyone to accept Jesus into their hearts or whatever, but I can at least not completely close my mind to the idea of a higher being than myself. No, I have not changed my thoughts in just a small little amount of time. I'm still a huge skeptic about it all, but maybe a little religion or faith in my life would be good. I dunno. Maybe I will try out being Agnostic for a while and see if I can get myself to set foot in a church and listen to what they say without rolling my eyes for a change.

I guess the whole reason I wrote this is because I needed to keep these thoughts that I have had somewhere I can see them again. That sometimes in life all you really need is for one good thing to happen to help you keep chugging along. I don't want to forget that. I did forget that good things tend to come for me once in a while and I had a lot of thoughts that I kind of regret. I'm not perfect. Far from it. Life is going to have it's ups and downs. Sometimes the downs are going to be numerous and repetitive. You might fall and fall 'til you are down on your knees begging to someone, anyone who can hear you, even if you don't even know if there is anyone to hear you, for something to give. But when that happens you have to pick yourself up and pretend no one was looking. Then dust yourself off and run down that driveway all over again.

I have no idea what is to come in my life. I am probably going to fuck up more and more as I go. I will probably have more debt in my future. I will probably never win the lottery and I am going to have to work very hard to make dreams come true. And hell, maybe my dreams may never come true, but I have been told to follow my heart and do what is best for me and I hope I can keep myself in that mindset as I take a break from school and whatnot.

I don't know if I am on a path to some much needed self discovery or if this is some kind of epiphany or what it is. But hey, maybe all I need is a little sunshine in my life and a bit more confidence in myself and my choices. I'll believe in myself who believes in me. (sorry for quoting that, Jenny)

I don't know if I expect feedback from people reading it or not, but if you have any thoughts on any of it I am all for you sharing them with me.
Thanks for reading.
-----------------------------------------

When it all comes crashing down
Try to understand your meanings
No one said it would be easy
This living, it ain't easy, oh

-Cloud Cult; No One Said It Would Be Easy

How is it that I spent most of my day doing stuff for my future in acting, which I am apparently crazy about and makes me happy, yet at the end of the day all I feel is frustration and angst because I feel like I wasted my time? I even spent money to put up a profile on an acting site, and still, I just feel stupid for it. I have no idea why. I feel no sense of accomplishment. I feel no excitement that I could really get my foot in the door with all this stuff.
Why the fuck am I not motivated for anything?

Bleh, my first post in a while is a bitching one.

Other than that bullshit today, summer is pretty decent thus far. Except the whole having no job or money thing. That kinda sucks.
Plus, I don't know if my grandparents have stopped paying me based on what I do rather than hourly, but all I know is that for all the work I did for them today I deserved more than they gave me. Usually they give me 30 bucks for mowing their lawn. It's a small lawn and not worth 30 dollars, but they are my grandparents and they know I need money so they give me what they think I should get. Now, today was different. I mowed the lawn today, but I also was doing a shit ton of other work outside on this horribly hot day with no shade in sight. I came out of it exhausted and my back, among other parts of my body, has been sore all day and made me not want to move an inch. Anyways, they gave me 30 dollars. I didn't say anything, because I figure they are the ones who decide and I am not going to complain when I get 30 dollars on a normal day for minimal work. It's just frustrating when they are pretty much my only source of income right now til I find a new job and I am used to a certain amount of money for certain things, and here I think if I mow and then do some other stuff I can get some extra cash, but then that doesn't happen.

Anyways, back to summer.
Hanging out with Jenny a lot, which is really nice.
I have started playing D&D and actually have a second campaign with different people starting tomorrow night, which I am ever so excited for.
Working for Charles' dad in their yard, which is only cool because I get to spend time with Charles. I need the money, but getting paid less than I did at Best Buy for more work and less hours really sucks.
ALSO IN CASE YOU HADN'T HEARD THE ECONOMY SUCKS AND JOBS ARE HARD TO GET

That's about all I got. The bottle of tequila I've been working on is calling my name.
Back to drunken Zelda playing.

Kyle out.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/scienceandtechnology/science/sciencenews/5118283/Bacon-sandwich-really-does-cure-a-hangover.html

http://pc.gamespy.com/pc/world-of-warcraft/978217p1.html

Don't really think they should have banned they guy for their mistake. Pretty awesome though.

Charles and I had an interesting talk about Capcom today. Here it is.

Charles: seriously though capcom is getting amazing

Me: LOL

Me: how so?

Charles: well their last few titles, mm9 sf4 re5 now rereleasing mvc2

Charles: they haven't failed for a while i think

Me: they want their stock to go up :P
Me: they have the economy problem solved

Charles: plus dead rising two is looking sweet

Me: oh yes

Me: I tell ya, they will get America's Economy flowing

Charles: plus they make ace attorny games

Charles: ace attorney investigations confirmed for winter 09

Charles: im going back to my statement of can capcom do wrong

Me: i think they spent the first years of their company just testing us. Figuring out what we like as gamers and what they respond well to, with long, drawn out expiriments like the X series. See juuust how many til you can't push them anymore. and then, after they collected enough research, they put it together and started to make games based exactly on all that data and now they will never be bad again, and become the main game company in existence.

Charles: heh wonder what would happen if they put their hats in the console ring

Me: exactly.

Me: it's coming dude, I have forseen the future

Charles: haha

Me: and pretty soon, they will start to buy out companies and work their way up to nintendo, then soon the entire sony name, and then buyout bill gates...they will be hte only company IN the gaming business. All because they didn't fuck around after a while.

Charles: cept square

Charles: cause they hate america

Charles: and will go down fighting america
Me: XD they will be the rebel alliance to our Empire

Will someone please text me when the timer ends at 7 tonight? I'll be at work, but I must know!
http://www.tu4ar.com/

Eerie whispers
Trapped beneath my pillow
You won't let me sleep
Your memories

I know you're in this room
I'm sure I heard you sigh
Floating in-between
Where our worlds collide

It scares the hell out of me
And the end is all I can see
And it scares the hell out of me
And the end is all I can see

I know the moments near
And there's nothing we can do
Look through a faithless eye
Are you afraid to die?

It scares the hell out of me
And the end is all I can see
And it scares the hell out of me
And the end is all I can see

It scares the hell out of me
And the end is all I can see
And it scares the hell out of me
And the end is all I can see

Got my wisdom teeth out yesterday. Wasn't as bad as I was expecting. Now I'm popping Vicodin whenever I can cause OW.
Yay stuff!

Also, because I was asked too.
( Enjoy )